Major life lessons, once a year

I look back at the past 25 years and I can't help but think of the many life lessons I've learned. Every year seems to have a distinct life lesson attached to it. Without further ado, this is what I've learned each year of my life:

1. Rolling is a much better way to get around than crawling... but it also makes other parents think my parents are raising a retarded child.
2. Walking is lame. Strollers are where it's at!
3. Sweaters with Koala Bears knitted on them are a chick magnet.
4. Green Eggs and Ham can only be appreciated if your dad reads it to you every single night... multiple times. A lot of nuance in that book.
5. Preschool bitches are cold... a bunch of teases.
6. While it may seem like a good idea at the time, peeing on the seat of the car will not only not make the pee go away (magically absorbed) but will also cause your father to make fun of you for choosing to do it for years and years.
7. Periods are meant to be put in sentences at the end of a thought. Not. at. the. end. of. every. word!
8. Elementary school crushes last for life.
9. Any book is much better if the majority of the cast are either mice, rats or badgers. I bow to Brian Jacques.
10. If you accept additional responsibility and you do it well for three weeks you are allowed to goof off while doing it moving forward.
11. If you aren't able to wear shorts every day of the year you're not hard... just a softy.
12. Reading "The Rising Sun" in 6th grade free reading time means the teacher will call your parents. But why does the school library have that book in the first place? That's my question for you... is there any sixth grader other than me who likes to read about hanging yourself while masturbating to enhance the pleasure?
13. Seventh grade suuuuccccckkkkkssssss.
14. Eighth grade also suuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkksssssssss. Also slow dances should only happen to Aerosmith tunes from the Armageddon soundtrack.
15. If you befriend upper-classmen you can exploit that friendship for their car. Also friendship is great blah blah blah.
16. You learn how to drive by watching movies about it apparently.
17. Girlfriends are overrated. They only seem to cause your friends horrible emotional pain... that's why I didn't have one. That's clearly the reason I didn't have one.
18. Graduating high school is the most important thing in life.
19. You realize that graduating high school pales in comparison to cheap beer.
20. COLLEGE FOR LIFE!
21. STUDYING IN LONDON IS FOR LIFE!
22. College is over... I wish I planned ahead a bit more.
23. New York is alright... even if I'm living in Harlem with a strange prostitute.
24. Hair goes away a lot faster than you think.
25. Why am I not a famous millionaire yet? Life is hard.