Then and now

Look at what's happened to me...

Then:

Now:

Father time... you've destroyed me... stop please... or at least give me back my hair.

Others who share my birthday

I'm getting older... but so are these people. Unless they're already dead. Then they're not aging. They're dead:

Andrew J. Hoard

Andrew Cuomo

Peter Buck

Randy Rhoads

Steven Wright

Tom Hulce

David Ossman

Wally Cox

Dave Brubeck

Agnes Moorehead

Ira Gershwin

Lynn Fontanne

Joyce Kilmer

William S. Hart

John Singleton Mosby

Seriously? What a shitty list of people born on my birthday. Ah well... at least I have such luminaries as Joyce Kilmer. I can only assume she is related to Val Kilmer. I'll accept that as cool. ICE MAN!

Presents, then and now

I remember on my 9th birthday... maybe 10th... I can't remember. But on that day I was so excited about a wrapped gift sitting on my mantle that I cheated and tore it open a day before, thus ruining my birthday celebration the next night. I ruined all hope I had for anticipation and excitement... and as I sat there crying in front of my parents I vowed to never open a present early again. I loved presents. I got so excited for action figures, movies, music... everything.

Yesterday I got a coconut. Two coconuts. And I got just as excited as I used to get with toys and things... but this time it was a coconut.

While the times have changed, my love for gifts hasn't wavered... but I now love coconuts.

Major life lessons, once a year

I look back at the past 25 years and I can't help but think of the many life lessons I've learned. Every year seems to have a distinct life lesson attached to it. Without further ado, this is what I've learned each year of my life:

1. Rolling is a much better way to get around than crawling... but it also makes other parents think my parents are raising a retarded child.
2. Walking is lame. Strollers are where it's at!
3. Sweaters with Koala Bears knitted on them are a chick magnet.
4. Green Eggs and Ham can only be appreciated if your dad reads it to you every single night... multiple times. A lot of nuance in that book.
5. Preschool bitches are cold... a bunch of teases.
6. While it may seem like a good idea at the time, peeing on the seat of the car will not only not make the pee go away (magically absorbed) but will also cause your father to make fun of you for choosing to do it for years and years.
7. Periods are meant to be put in sentences at the end of a thought. Not. at. the. end. of. every. word!
8. Elementary school crushes last for life.
9. Any book is much better if the majority of the cast are either mice, rats or badgers. I bow to Brian Jacques.
10. If you accept additional responsibility and you do it well for three weeks you are allowed to goof off while doing it moving forward.
11. If you aren't able to wear shorts every day of the year you're not hard... just a softy.
12. Reading "The Rising Sun" in 6th grade free reading time means the teacher will call your parents. But why does the school library have that book in the first place? That's my question for you... is there any sixth grader other than me who likes to read about hanging yourself while masturbating to enhance the pleasure?
13. Seventh grade suuuuccccckkkkkssssss.
14. Eighth grade also suuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkksssssssss. Also slow dances should only happen to Aerosmith tunes from the Armageddon soundtrack.
15. If you befriend upper-classmen you can exploit that friendship for their car. Also friendship is great blah blah blah.
16. You learn how to drive by watching movies about it apparently.
17. Girlfriends are overrated. They only seem to cause your friends horrible emotional pain... that's why I didn't have one. That's clearly the reason I didn't have one.
18. Graduating high school is the most important thing in life.
19. You realize that graduating high school pales in comparison to cheap beer.
20. COLLEGE FOR LIFE!
21. STUDYING IN LONDON IS FOR LIFE!
22. College is over... I wish I planned ahead a bit more.
23. New York is alright... even if I'm living in Harlem with a strange prostitute.
24. Hair goes away a lot faster than you think.
25. Why am I not a famous millionaire yet? Life is hard.